A couple of days ago, I got a message from our school group. It was a dare, to disclose the regret that you have in your past life. I gave it a thought but couldn't find any, for every regret that I came up with I had a lesson that I learned. So I righteously declared that I don’t have any regrets.
Yesterday night, I went through a familiar feeling of unrest right before I caught my sleep - you know one of those days when you are so tired to sleep but the diabolical mind keeps playing games pulling trivial unsettling episodes from the past. My odd mind had decided to explore more on the seemingly innocuous probe thrown into the group chat.
Do I regret anything from my past? It turns out that I do. It is not penitence per se.
I regret not falling in love when I was naive and had an appetite for adventure. The romance was eschewed in favor of conformance to certain standards which right now I don’t embody or even remotely endorse.
Please don’t take me to be a resentful reclusive old hag. I love my job. I love my parents and my kids, and a lovely bunch of friends. I love the pitter-patter of raindrops and the soothing moonlight of summer nights. I love it when the cardamom-ladened wind rushes through my nostrils. I love the lullaby of the train as it takes me back and forth between Bangalore and Kochi. I have tasted all forms of love in my long span of years. But romance has always eluded me.
For a short time, while I was married, I earnestly tried loving my then-husband and his family. ‘Love is hard work’, ‘Physical love is a laborious task’, ‘Love takes time’, ‘You can be attracted to a person if you spend enough time’ were a few commandments I followed during my marital bliss. Post that stage, I concluded that ‘romance’ is just attraction with availability if you throw the right amount of naivety into the mix. It is nature’s way to make sure that our species would continue if arranged marriages ceased to exist.
I was in blissful ignorance completely pleased with myself until I chanced upon meeting him. Chanced encounter with a person about who I had heard of for more than a decade. I am not going into the cheesy details, but he lived up to his reputation and I had a wonderful time with him. As much as tender and perfect it was, sprinkled with fleeting moments and sweet nothings, the emotions ran its due course and eventually surrendered to reality. While my mind maneuvered through the different phases I accepted one truth - that loving is easy, it just needs to be with the right person.
I don't know in this ripe old age, well past my youthful times, I would ever find a man who I can be committed and comfortable with, but I now know what I regret the most.
